Flying Into The Heart of The Matter...

“Angels can fly directly into the heart of the matter….” ~Author Unknown

I believe in angels. I know they are among us, in quiet moments, as much as in life’s busy moments. I believe that an angel must have prompted an elderly woman to connect with me and speak to me. I was getting off the bus two weeks ago and I had a clumsy time of it….and I bumped into an elderly woman I had never seen before. She had thin silver hair twisted in chignon on top of her head, but small wisps ran wildly all around her face. She had a tinkly soft laugh, like jingle bells. Her eyes were blue, and that is something I remember most, she had really blue eyes.

As I bonked into her, she tinkly laughed as we both got off at the same bus stop. We stood waiting at the crosswalk light and I mentioned the weather and the fact that it wasn’t raining. I loved that about that day – no rain. She spoke of the joy in the day that she finds. She said she came from a sorrowful divorce of many years ago, and that it changes a person. When bad things happen, it changes you. She seemed to know that I had been through something, because she told me that I was changed. I said…”Excuse me?” And she let out another tinkling laugh, and said…God doesn’t cause us to change…he doesn’t orchestrate bad things to happen….he just stands beside us as we change from pain. She looked at my shaking hand and said, you must write. I said “What?” “Write what?, I said” She said….”You already know, my dear.” You must write what you know…because it’s valuable.” “Once you write, well….it’s there, isn't it?”

Yes, I have been through a lot…I guess I do know some things about life. As I told her this, her tinkling laugh sounded off like jingle bells one last time, as we crossed the walk together. As we parted ways, she exclaimed with her back turned to me, and hand raised in air…”Write.” “Your pen is waiting…”

And I haven’t seen her since that time.

Happy Fathers Day

The 13 things my DAD taught me.
1. A good man is a good provider.
2. Silence is golden.
3. Oatmeal is best with bacon crumbled on top.
4. Radios entertain the imagination.
5. The Easter bunny carries a surplus of jelly beans.
6. Dolly Parton is the best country singer ever.
7. SOS is not a distress call according to some Navy men.
8. There is truth in every church, but in life you have to find your own truth.
9. After you pick green beans...you should also pick a guitar.
10. Zero is not nothing. It is something.
11. How to box, in case of a rumble.
12. Cornbread is dessert...if you add sorghum molasses.
13. Thunder is God's drums...look to the sky when you here them, and I'll be there.

I love you Daddy, and not a day goes by that I don't think of you or all the amazing things you taught me. Thank you for teaching me about life. Thank you for being my Daddy. Until we meet again...

Happy Mother's Day

In the words of Al Green..."I didn't have a mother, I had a mama" ...
For me, I measure myself by her standards.  I seek her spirit in the quiet hours of the early morning, for sage advice.  I have learned from her strength.

Today I honor my mama.  She taught me more than I even knew.  It took me years to peel back the layers of meanings of some of her old sayings, and simple advice.  There was wisdom there.  That is what you have when you have a mama.  I feared her as much as I loved her.  The fear did not stem from her, but of myself.  I feared in disappointing her.  It is because you want your mama to be proud of you, and when you are an awkward, young adolescent....you fear that you are never coming close to that goal.

It has taken me years to finally celebrate my mama, without tears.  Losing a parent, and I have lost both of mine...is never easy.  You tell yourself you are strong, that it is part of life....but really...the reality in losing parents...is that it hurts.  It hurts to lose those you love.  You can't imagine life without them next to you.  You want to see them, hold their hand, and breath them in.  I have lost much in my life.  As a mama myself, I lost my two sons 20 years ago.  Divorce is devastating....and near lethal when you lose your children.  I have cried tears into my pillow for years.  No one could comprehend how much loss I had to suffer.  God saw my suffering, and in life I was given a son and daughter.  They help me walk the walk every day.  I strive to be a true "mama".  To be what I did not have opportunity to do for my two older sons.   I breath them in every day.  I tell them I love them every day.  I try to model what it means to be mama....super fan...and friend.  I pray for my older sons....every....single day.   And I won't be selfish with them.  They have had a lifetime without me.  A life with their father...and a stepmom.  I will accept if we never have a strong relationship...and I will praise God, if we do.  Though, I fear time is running out...but that is another story.

The truth is that Mother's Day for me is bittersweet. As much as I remember and love my own Mama, and Granny Parker, and as much as I love my son and daughter who run around goofy and making a sticky and lovely breakfast for me....I mourn the time I was cheated.  The time I was not given to make a difference...to share my love with my older sons.  I miss them...I love them....always.  I have had both fear and anger for my ex-husband....and the choices he made.  I repeat...that HE made.  But now, I have to forgive.  I have to....to have quality of life.  Forgiveness is hard when you have hurt for so long...but I forgive.  Entirely.  It is because I must.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL who have or are...mamas, grannys, aunties and cousins...best friends, partners...who are mamas to kitties and doggies or other companion pets.  Your love is needed.  Your love is more valuable than gold.  Because....All of us.....make a difference. 

9 Cool Things...

Things.  I love things in life.  Here are a few things that I enjoy, and maybe....you will too!

CLANADONIA    They are Scotland’s hardest working tribal drums and pipe band and their high energy blend of tribal rhythms, bagpipes and tartan clad mayhem is exactly why I love them! There must be a sense of native pride and freedom when banging their drums with such vibrant passion!

TARDIS     Anyone that knows me, can tell you that I am a Dr. Who fan. Besides the Time Lord element, my favorite thing is this fictional time machine found in the British science fiction television program. The inside is much, MUCH, bigger than the outside…which looks like a 1960’s London Police Box. A Tardis is much more than a traveling spacecraft or magical box…it has a degree of sentience! Most useful in times when dealing with alien worlds or anxiety filled humans of the past!

THE VICAR OF DIBLEY      A BBC television sitcom starring, Dawn French, who portrays the character of Reverand Geraldine Granger. It is set in a fictional small Oxfordshire village called Dibley, which is assigned a female vicar following the 1992 changes in the Church of England that permitted the ordination of women. The theme music was a setting of Psalm 23 composed by Howard Goodall and was performed by the choir of Christ Church Cathedral, Oxford with George Humphreys singing the solo. From start to finish, with the opening song….rolling into the quirky village characters…it is undeniable fun!

GOOD & PLENTY CANDY   It is old school….it is funny looking….it is licorice…and I love it!

THE RED FLANNEL SHIRT    Yes. I am a fan of the flannel shirt. I mean…let’s face it. When you are 50-something, you are not trying to look sexy anymore. I want comfort. I want to be warm and cozy. My favorite pair of jeans are not designer, or dark or form fitting. They are faded, baggy, and ripped to shreds. Still...I wear them…because I must. –LOL-- They are comfortable, and just me. 

THE SONG “MR. ROBOTO”      Yes.  I am a lover of “Mr. Roboto”. "Mr. Roboto" is a song written by Dennis DeYoung of the band Styx, and recorded on the Styx album ‘Kilroy Was Here’. Whenever I hear this song me and my kids bust out the lyrics ….. “You're wondering who I am, (Secret secret, I've got a secret)”

THE DOLMA AT NEW SEASONS MARKET     Dolma is a Mediterranean dish made with rice-stuffed grape leaves. I find mine already premade at New Seasons Market. I can’t…let me repeat….CAN’T eat just one!

NORTH & SOUTH     BBC Drama Miniseries       North and South is a four part adaptation of Elizabeth Gaskell's love story of Margaret Hale, a middle class southerner who is forced to move to the northern town of Milton. The sets, costumes and acting were excellent, especially Richard Armitage's performance as mill owner John Thornton. He's got a brilliant deep, brooding sort of look about him, but with a softer and kinder side also. It is this side of his character that is gradually revealed as the story goes on. The way Richard Armitage portrayed these two sides of Thornton's character was amazing. The central story revolves around the antagonistic relationship between two characters, with Mr. Thornton, a hard-working industrialist running a cotton mill. Historical and quite the action….a must see!

ANSEL ADAMS     American Photographer    His black-and-white landscape photographs of the American West, are the beginnings of my passion in photography. I have had a tough last year, and had to sell my camera equipment for health reasons, but I have the passion still in my heart for always looking at the world through a lens, even if only through my iPhone. I will be striving to save money to purchase camera equipment again. I still find myself drawn to black and white photographs. It is the contrast of light and dark and the shadows in between that tell the story.

And The Cat Ran Away With The Eggs...

Easter.  That time that we anticipate as children, as spring opens up and blossoms around us. The days start to warm under the sun, and the grass begins to look like a thin green carpet at our feet.  We take notice of birds chirping in the trees, and dandelions as they begin to pop up with their vivid yellow blooms.  Spring is a renewal of hope and a sign of things to come.

When I was a little girl, I remember our big front yard and the century old oak tree centered upon the lawn, spreading her branches over us to give shade.  Her lower branch embraced a weathered, prickly rope and an old rubber tire.  Our swing was wonderful.  If you grew tired of swinging, you could push down with your toes and twirl around in the tire until you felt the rope tighten....then...let go.  Spinning....spinning....round and round...

It was this same old tire swing that was the perfect hiding place for colorful easter eggs on a light windy Easter afternoon.  Cinder blocks full of dirt, tufts of weeds and dandelions, and even the flowerbed filled with petunias and rooster combs....were the perfect hiding places for the vinegar smelling eggs.  I remember it well.  Especially the egg that got away.  As a little girl, I wanted to try and find the most clever of all hiding places.  My turn to hide...and I hit all the usual spots in the front yard....but there was one idea.  The back bumper on the car.  Yes.  I did indeed hide an egg in our old car's back metal bumper...and I did indeed forget where I hid that unfound egg.  No worries though, on a day a month later the egg was causing quite a stink in the car....and finally on a quick stop to park it rolled out of the bumper onto the carport with a sulfuric splat.  I did not claim that egg....but instead looked up to the sky like I was so very interested in some nonexistant bird flying overhead.  But, of course, I was the known culprit.  It seemed a very...."Tammy" thing to do.  

One thing stands the test of time, even if that smelly egg didn't, is what Easter represents to me and my family.  More than a renewal of hope, Easter is about the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. We were given the gift of hope, and that gift is eternal.  We live, we breathe, we face obstacles, we struggle with circumstances, we hurt, we cry, we laugh, we find joy.  Everything around us gives us opportunities to strengthen our awareness to humanity, to build stamina in our faith.  We are given forgiveness and we are also able to forgive.  Through the Resurrection, we are part of the world's gift of the plan of salvation.  We are given so much, for a man who gave up all.  For a man that suffered all.  

This Easter, I give my love to all of you out there that have impacted my life, whether long time high school friends, friends along my life journey, my family and children.  I hope that along life's ride, I have somehow touched you, or made a difference.  Happy Easter, and if you feel a need to run away with an egg.  Do it.  It will be found.  Just like we are found.  Jesus never loses us.

Gambit from 1966

Gambit is a 1966 comedy film, starring  Shirley MacLaine and Michael Caine...and might I add a very young Shirley and Michael! The story is about a a scheming career cat burglar Harry Dean (Michael Caine) and his elaborate plan to steal a priceless antiquity from millionaire Mr. Shahbandar, played by Herbert Lom. It was to be the perfect heist.  

Harry just needs one person to help him pull it off.  He seeks out the assistance of a showgirl Nicole Chang (Shirley MacLaine), who is living in Hong Kong and quite strangely looks identical to the rich man's dead wife.  The man is said to be a tycoon recluse, who never married after his beautiful wife died.  The recluse millionaire was only married to her for one year, but she was the love of his life. 

Harry believes that she will distract the man so much, that all his assumptions and careful planning will roll out perfectly so that he can pull off his perfect heist ever.  Though Harry's plan seems foolproof as he conveys the details to his partner, Ram (Roger C. Carmel), the execution proves to be what this movie is about --- unexpected--- and a wild ride!  

"Gambit" was directed by Ronald Neame from a screenplay by Jack Davies and Alvin Sargent from the original story of Sidney Carroll. This film was nominated for three Acadeny Awards.

For the guys, it is a twist and turn plot, and there are gadgets!  For the gals, Shirley wears some truly amazing outfits that are beautiful and eccentric looking.  I would say that this is easily so far, my favorite Michael Caine movie, and Shirley was fantastic as she played off the dialogue between herself and Michael.  Herbert Lom, who plays the eccentric millionaire, was wonderful and a solid supporting actor.  I give this film a thumbs up for anyone that loves to experience movies like they used to be...a true classic.  

Lessons From Hemmingway

"As I ate the oysters with their strong taste of the sea and their faint metallic taste that the cold white wine washed away, leaving only the sea taste and the succulent texture, and as I drank their cold liquid from each shell and washed it down with the crisp taste of the wine, I lost the empty feeling and began to be happy and to make plans." 

In Ernest Hemmingway's, 'A Moveable Feast', there are lessons that he shares through his writings of his experiences as a young man living in Paris. The book is one of his smaller sized works and really is more of a compilation and recollection of those young and influential years.  He acknowledges how his experiences in Paris, meetings with people, the exchanges of conversation, or moments shared over a meal, affected him, strengthened him in his thoughts about self, and his own pursuit of writing.  It was published in 1964, nearly 3 years following his death.  

There are many poignant excerpts I could have used for this post, but the above piece referring to oysters and their taste of the sea, somehow resonated with me.  I look at his thoughts of Paris, as what he knows built in him the qualities that he strived for, as husband, companion, friend, and writer, as opening up to learning through his own experiences, acknowledgement of moments he failed, or that failed him,  and that there is sometimes an opportunity for an individual to feel an emptiness.  

Some people have events shoved at them that carves away at their desire to hope, to feel happiness, even in the midst of the storm.  Adversity has a power like that....to try and defeat you...and your human spirit.  For others, there is a medical imbalance that can be just as heavy a contender to carve away hope, until diagnosis steps in and they can gain help in the form of medication and human support.  In 'A Moveable Feast', Hemmingway shared his thoughts of how life itself can create moments of self doubt, and hints of loneliness.  He did not, however, leave writings to reflect or parallel his current fight at that time, with sadness and emptiness.  But, maybe that is what makes this work so more the treasure.  We all know how his time on this earth ended...tragically...permanently.  The lesson in reading his works, is more so the clever brilliance of how pen meets paper.  I have always admired him, and separated how he left this earth with what his pen shared on paper and with us. 

Renewal...

"It is not so much for its beauty that the forest makes a claim upon men's hearts, as for that subtle something, that quality of air that emanation from old trees, that so wonderfully changes and renews a weary spirit."  ~Robert Louis Stevenson

There Lies Adventure...

When I was a little girl, I would pull up my old faded overalls, sometimes both legs at once.  You, see, there was an excitement that welled up in me every single time I saw that there was a yellow sun stretching its arms towards me.  I loved being outside.  I was mostly a solitary child, spending a good amount of time outside on my own, and fortunate enough to have a large front yard, backyard and big sloping hill to carve out the better part of a morning or afternoon.  Summers were glorious!  Living in the south, in NW Arkansas, perfect.  You have all 4 seasons, and a big wallop of a chance for many days of sunshine in the summer.

When I knew that I was to begin on one of the adventures, one that would keep me out of the house for a few hours, I strategized.  First, the comfortable t-shirt, the dependable overalls, the dusty tennis shoes, the smelly ones were best.  Second, an adventurer must have rations...to the kitchen I would go, and hoist myself up on the counter by the cabinet with the golden riches of peanut butter.  I would prepare my peanut butter and saltine crackers, and roll them in saran wrap for safe keeping in my overall side pocket.  No need for beverage, for where I was going I would surely discover a cool exotic stream called...garden hose.

As I left the safety of the house, I remember gingerly opening the screen door and looking left to right, in case there was danger...like a dog named Ginger.  I would try to escape out the screen door and slip to the right, to head in the backyard as quiet as I could.  As I turned my head looking backward, I would often have my leg met by fur.  Looking down, there would be Ginger, smiling up at me, as if to say...let's go.  I could never deny her big collie brown eyes..."aww...come on then", I would say.

In my time outside I would imagine going to different lands, discovering fossils, unknown minerals and rocks, strange plant life, or big monster fish.  It was a time that I cherish.  Having lived in a generation where outside play held only our imaginations, instead of real danger. Where a kid could run up and down a hill, roll around on a field of clover, or sneek around an old barn to catch a glimpse of yellow jackets.  Where a kid could stop and eat her peanut butter & crackers under a honeysuckle bush, looking up to blue sky, and wash it down with cold fresh water from a garden hose...all the while thinking....and believing...she was in the Amazon.

Here is where I stop my recollections, and start my present day adventures.  It is with a man, a biologist and angler from UK, that lives out adventures in his real life, in search for the unknown, the myth, the monsters in the night.  Jeremy Wade is my connection back to that time in my life where I could imagine unknown and strange things.  To that time of discovery, and ambition of seeing an adventure through from myth to reality.  I am in deep-like with this man that takes me along every episode, to a land that I only dreamed of before, and to waters that I imagined in my mind.  To see what lurks in the waters around the world, and not only to feel a shudder at the monstrous size or teeth, but to admire the creature that resides in our world.  Jeremy is a catch and release angler.  If he can give time to the fish to regain its strength from the catch, he releases it back into the water to remain in its hidden world. 

For me, April 6th will be a glorious day, when Jeremy shares new adventures with us on the television show, "River Monsters", seen on the channel, Animal Planet.  But, I best remember to have a supply of peanut butter & saltines, it might be a doozy of an adventure.  Well, and since the garden hose won't reach, I will settle for a civilized beverage.

Top 9 - Caleb Johnson "Dazed and Confused" - AMERICAN IDOL SEASON XIII

Day 6: Still Hope

"Firefighter Jeff McClelland uncovered a body on the moon-like surface that blankets what used to be the community of Oso.  Suddenly, he realized the dead man's son and brother were among the volunteers scouring the debris field.  The relatives sat beside the body as it was zipped into a bag.  McClelland found himself overcome with tears."  ~The Oregonian

Hope.  It is the thing that we humans have the capacity for.  Closure.  It is the thing that we need most, when we have to step into acceptance of something much bigger than ourselves. Wouldn't it seem wonderful if we all held absolute control over our own lives, without other human interactions, decisions, environmental factors, relationship conflicts, and random acts of nature. As we navigate life, we find out that the structure of living is not built that way.  

My heart and prayers goes out to the people impacted and affected by the devastating landslide, and I pray for strength for those families that find their hope fading, as another day begins for us, making it the 6th day since this tragic event happened.  When I find out about devastation, loss of life, and tragic events, it impacts me.  I am one of those sensitive souls that feels a layer of grief along with those that are directly affected.  I know there are many events surrounding us today, yesterday and all through the month of March. This one I post about, not only because it is close to home, but because I cannot imagine what it felt like minutes before the landslide occurred, or even more so,  as it happened --- barrelling down upon men, women, children, toddlers, infants, and beloved pets.  

With gratitude I write this post to the men and women that are donating their time for the rescue and recovery efforts.  Your time is a gift to the families, and as hope does seem to dim for those families, it is closure and their own core faith beliefs that will be the thing they need.  All efforts to assist the families and friends --- time, care, empathy, reaching out to connect, and love -- will be a comfort at this time.  

License To Ride

When I was younger, and who am I kidding....much younger days...I remember thinking that one day I wanted to ride a motorcycle.  Somehow, my little bicycle and its fru-fru butterfly seat was subpar.  I even added playing cards to the spokes with clothes pins in hopes of creating that groovy vroom-vroom sound.  Somehow, even as a young girl growing up in the south, with a caring and cautious momma who told me to stay away from motorcycles, I still wanted to ride one.  I wanted to throw off those Sunday duds of pink dress and white knee socks, and grab a pair of faded and torn bell bottoms with a cool navy knit shirt and ride a bike.  I always dreamed of being a strong and independent woman.  I just had one thing stopping me.  My social anxiety.  I was extremely shy, and socially naive, and robot-like....silent.  I just didn't date...and when I did, the very few infrequent in high school, I found myself running like a banshee from the car or truck as soon as it rolled up the driveway after returning from the date.  I loved the great escape.  The "thank you"...and now I must run...mode.

If life skills equates to having license to ride a motorcycle...then I was definitely not legal at that time in my life.  Life is the great master teacher, about many things.  One thing is that time and all the adversity, and resolutions, and healing in between...builds layers of wisdom, and hence, your strength skills set.  I find myself dabbling with the thought of that motorcycle.  For me, now I know that I can ride that thing, no fear, no worries.  I can imagine the wind in my face and my very short hair...and not care who's looking, or if my legs look wonky.  It is afterall, about the ride.  The freedom one feels when riding freely against the elements of wind or drizzle, or warm kissed sun.  It must be like a great session of therapy, and I can relate to what actor, Dan Aykroyd, once said...."You do not need a therapist if you own a motorcycle, any kind of motorcycle!"

Wisdom...

"A loving heart is the truest wisdom."
~Charles Dickens