Happy Mother's Day

In the words of Al Green..."I didn't have a mother, I had a mama" ...
For me, I measure myself by her standards.  I seek her spirit in the quiet hours of the early morning, for sage advice.  I have learned from her strength.

Today I honor my mama.  She taught me more than I even knew.  It took me years to peel back the layers of meanings of some of her old sayings, and simple advice.  There was wisdom there.  That is what you have when you have a mama.  I feared her as much as I loved her.  The fear did not stem from her, but of myself.  I feared in disappointing her.  It is because you want your mama to be proud of you, and when you are an awkward, young adolescent....you fear that you are never coming close to that goal.

It has taken me years to finally celebrate my mama, without tears.  Losing a parent, and I have lost both of mine...is never easy.  You tell yourself you are strong, that it is part of life....but really...the reality in losing parents...is that it hurts.  It hurts to lose those you love.  You can't imagine life without them next to you.  You want to see them, hold their hand, and breath them in.  I have lost much in my life.  As a mama myself, I lost my two sons 20 years ago.  Divorce is devastating....and near lethal when you lose your children.  I have cried tears into my pillow for years.  No one could comprehend how much loss I had to suffer.  God saw my suffering, and in life I was given a son and daughter.  They help me walk the walk every day.  I strive to be a true "mama".  To be what I did not have opportunity to do for my two older sons.   I breath them in every day.  I tell them I love them every day.  I try to model what it means to be mama....super fan...and friend.  I pray for my older sons....every....single day.   And I won't be selfish with them.  They have had a lifetime without me.  A life with their father...and a stepmom.  I will accept if we never have a strong relationship...and I will praise God, if we do.  Though, I fear time is running out...but that is another story.

The truth is that Mother's Day for me is bittersweet. As much as I remember and love my own Mama, and Granny Parker, and as much as I love my son and daughter who run around goofy and making a sticky and lovely breakfast for me....I mourn the time I was cheated.  The time I was not given to make a difference...to share my love with my older sons.  I miss them...I love them....always.  I have had both fear and anger for my ex-husband....and the choices he made.  I repeat...that HE made.  But now, I have to forgive.  I have to....to have quality of life.  Forgiveness is hard when you have hurt for so long...but I forgive.  Entirely.  It is because I must.

Happy Mother's Day to ALL who have or are...mamas, grannys, aunties and cousins...best friends, partners...who are mamas to kitties and doggies or other companion pets.  Your love is needed.  Your love is more valuable than gold.  Because....All of us.....make a difference.